Sunday, 14 August 2016

Life: Endless Summer

It's not yet mid-August. The skies are blue and I have the balcony door open as I write this, an Olympic sport I had no interest in until all of five minutes ago on in the background. It's summer, actually properly summer but the shops, the magazines I try not to buy and the press days I never actually make it to are trying to tell me otherwise.

Brexit: the morning after
Living in the moment is so difficult, I'm always fast-forwarding in my head to 6pm, to Friday, to the weekend, to my next holiday. I'm a committed "summer girl" - there's nothing that I love about winter so this is my time of year and yet it already feels like it's slipping away too quickly. Although when I think back to the start of June, when Brexit was just something to y'know, get out of the way and stop droning on about, well, that feels like it all happened ages ago. Time is a funny thing and it seems to fly by even when you're not having fun but when you are having fun it literally speeds past you until it's the middle of August and your 2016 "to-do" list is looking very un-done.

This summer has seen the world go though (putting it mildly) some pretty bad shit. My impending 29th birthday has come with a large side order of life-anxiety and yet this summer has been one of the best. My favourite summers are those where things felt a little topsy-turvey, where I haven't been sure where life is taking me and where rather than analyse it I've just let myself be carried along for the ride. This summer has been one of them. Up there with summer 2006 (leaving school), 2010 (leaving uni) and 2013 (leaving my first job). Without going in to the whole political and global shit-show that's been going down, this sort of grand uncertainty combined with my own misgivings (someone please just come along and give me a grade in Adulting) just makes me want to live for every moment that little bit more. I hug my friends harder, stay up that little bit later, say yes to another drink, take my shoes off and walk barefoot through the park and then forget to put them back on for the walk home.
Heat wave sunrise
This summer I've laughed more, cared less, shared my secrets, stopped worrying about every little thing. I've felt more like the "old me" than I have for a long time. The me that didn't have a mortgage or wasn't a taxpayer, a homeowner, a supposedly fully functioning adult. The me that just wanted to have a good time and who didn't care what anyone thought of her but also the me that cared about being the best version of herself, about making an effort and believing that everything would turn out not just ok but bloody amazingly for her and everyone around her.

Yes, there are changes ahead - for me and for all of us - and yes, I have decisions to make and need to stop trying to figure things out and actually, y'know, figure them out. But for now, I'm going to keep up my summer mood, my summer self and close my laptop and go outside. Because we only get once chance at this, this life isn't a practice for something else - this is it and I'm done with worrying and not living in the moment. At least until the leaves start turning brown.

Blue skies 


1 comment

  1. Summer has flown by hasn't it? I get up ridiculously early so when the morning's draw in I'm fully aware. It's now cold when I do Alfie's first walk :-( makes me so sad!
    And I definitely relate to what you say... life is too short to be worrying about every little thing all the time now. Just gotta enjoy each moment and not worry about the future!


© Lillian Zahra | All rights reserved.
Blog Design Handcrafted by pipdig