Friday, 15 January 2016

New Year Blues

Interrupting my own Netflix session of Making A Murderer (just finished episode 3, no spoilers please) for some little thoughts...

"...the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long; you're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid...but you don't know what you're afraid of." Truman Capote, Breakfast At Tiffany's 

Not how I currently look watching Netflix...
It's strange to think that this year is only two weeks old and already it's felt like it's contained enough sadness to last for the whole 52. Christmas feels like a distant memory, the weather is bleak as hell and on a personal and global level bad news has not been in short supply. I've felt strangely unsettled and I don't think its just me - everyone around me seems subdued and sad - and I've felt at a loss as to what to do, what to say, how to acknowledge everything but also "distract myself". I run through my options, things that I've tried before (throwing objects at a wall, chain eating Kit Kats, buying every orange item in Topshop, dancing at 3am in bars that I don't remember the name of) and I know to not even bother because I know they won't work.

Pinterest tells me "this too will pass" and I know that it will but also that things don't always "move on" or are "got over". That moment when bad news reaches you and the sound and colour are sucked out of the room and then come rushing back and it's all too loud and too bright, that feeling is hard to remember exactly but hard to forget completely. Its easy to wish the sad times away but that little quote also slips through my mind in the happy times too. Those times were I feel my heart beating a little too fast and my feet feel like they're permanently a few centimetres off of the ground. Those times don't last either but its harder to acknowledge that that intense joy is transient. Today's Yoga Camp could not have come at a better time (yes I am behind but that doesn't matter).

I don't have any top tips or any answers, I just know that I want to write and organise my thoughts (or at least try to). This is just rambling but rambling is good and sharing and talking are good but sometimes not sharing is good too because tweets and WhatsApps aren't really real. Life isn't running to a script as much as I'd like some stage directions or to be able to flip ahead to the spoilers (ooh would I really do that...?). Dealing with sadness is part of the price we pay for living in this world, for being alive and it's not something you can run from or chomp or smash or dance through. There's always beauty and light somewhere and walking to work this morning the sky looked so unreal, like a painting, that just as I was raising my phone to take a picture I slipped it back into my pocket because just seeing it was all I needed.

Well, back to Netflix I go. My Hello Kitty plushie looks strangely calm considering the number of times I have looked at her and said "what the actual fuck" out loud as if expecting her to confirm that this word is crazy, it always will be. I think I'm only just properly realising that.

"Now the world's got me dizzy again, you'd think after 22 years I'd be used to the spin."
Bright Eyes, Landlocked Blues



  1. I'm sorry your feeling down. It's a sucky time of year (as always) but even worse with the current unsettled times over the world, incredible artists dying and the weather being so miserable. I just can't wait for warm and sunny times again.

  2. Oh, Lily... You're not alone and I hope you feel better soon. The Capote quote you picked is one of my all-time favourites, but even Holly Golightly gets better.

    - Elodie x

  3. It's been a really strange year so far, for me personally it's been great, but outside in the world not so much. Sending hugs x


© Lillian Zahra | All rights reserved.
Blog Design Handcrafted by pipdig